As I’m sure you’re all aware, the word “fan” is short for fanatic. The word fanatic means, “A person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm, as for a cause.” There are many things a person can be fanatical about in their everyday life, i.e., religion, politics, work and even hobbies. However, since the name of this website isn’t Junior D Politics, I bet you can guess where I’m going with this. Sports fans are some of the biggest fanatics on the planet. From painting their entire bodies with their favorite team colors to naming their kids and pets after their favorite superstars, sports fans are consistently pushing the envelope of what is or isn’t acceptable or “normal” behavior. When it comes to sports fans, there is an even more dangerous word. There is a word that separates the true fan from the blind homer. And that word is delusional.
Delusional fans are all around you. You see them every day and you probably don’t even realize it. They’re the people who trap you by the water cooler and give you a 30 minute breakdown of their fantasy football team, even though you didn’t ask. They say things like, “If only the Tigers didn’t have a week off before the World Series, they would have beaten the Giants,” or, “Tony Romo is a top 5 NFL Quarterback.” Seriously, how hard are you laughing right now? Delusional fans are a real problem. It only takes a handful of these morons to flood the message boards or local sports talk shows to give your whole fan base a bad name. What happens when entire fan bases are made up of delusional fans? Then you breed a special kind of cuckoo; the kind of cuckoo that these three schools and their fans show every year. Grab your safety scissors and circular paper, it’s about to get…well…Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Oregon fans are a truly special kind of delusional. Unlike the two schools listed below, Oregon does not have the benefit of a long-standing tradition to fall back on. I’m pretty sure the Pacific Northwest didn’t discover football until the mid 90’s, yet, Oregon fans insist on walking around like they have the resume of a Texas, Oklahoma or Alabama. What is the cause of their undeserved, run away ego? Well haven’t you heard? Their offense is really good and scores points by the bucket full. Never mind the fact that their defense is a disgrace to the great game of college football. And they beat Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Imagine that, someone beat a Big Ten school in a bowl game. That doesn’t make you good; it makes you not good enough to get to the national title game. Oregon fans are completely out of their element. Stick to hacky sacks, liberal arts majors and hideous uniforms. Leave college football to those of us that knew the sport existed before ‘Bay Watch’ was on TV.
Over the years it’s been harder and harder to ignore the Buckeye homers. It all started with Jim Tressel, once that cheater locked up the Buckeyes first national title in 34 years–that was it. The fans were his to do with what he pleased. And he certainly did. If you dare point out that Tressel racked up his victories against a watered down Big Ten, your family was threatened and you were booted from the message boards. Enter Urban Meyer. This poor soul not only has to win all his games, but Buckeye fans expect him to do so by sixty points. Five more years of this and Meyer will schedule himself for another nervous breakdown. But hey, you don’t win seven national titles by being Iowa. Buckeye fans have come to expect…I mean… demand a certain level of success from their team every year. I am just glad I’m not tasked with delivering it.
And finally, we have ‘The Holy Grail of Delusional’. Notre Dame fans are looking at delusional in their rearview mirror and they’re half way to ‘Bat Shit Crazy Town’! This ‘magical’ season aside, Notre Dame hasn’t mattered since the mid 1990’s. Yet every August, right around the time they’re breaking in a new head coach, Notre Dame fans get amnesia and start babbling about how great they’re going to be. When the losses to Navy, Tulsa, and Connecticut started coming, so did the excuses. “We care more about academics than football.” Sure you do. That’s why you fire your head coach every three or four years. “At least our players don’t get into trouble.” Maybe, but the best wide receiver in school history (Michael Floyd) was a raging alcoholic and got two DUI’s while in school. I’m also pretty sure Tommy ‘I don’t listen to the police’ Rees was suspended at the start of THIS season. In short, your program is no better than Florida, USC, or any school that freely admits that they put football first. You’re actually worse! They don’t hide behind some bullshit cloak of moral superiority.
There are several schools that are honorable mentions to this list. In the interest of time, and not pissing off everyone at once, I’ll call it a day. Until next time, take off your rose-colored glasses and step away from the message boards. Find a girl, and talk to her. Take your kids to the mall. Pleasure your wife. If you don’t do it, a Michigan fan will.