It’s August; which means any retail store you walk into has Back to School sales all over the place, each passing day has less and less daylight, and families all over the country are trying to squeeze one last vacation into a quickly ending summer. While August might signal the official end to summer, it also carries with it a far greater meaning. Every year August has the pleasure of giving birth to another football season. No other month can imagine carrying the burden of this responsibility. So do August a favor, pay it a little respect. Do not be a punk! Do not DVR football games.
We’ve all been there. You suffer through another hollow week of work just to make it to Saturday or Sunday when your team takes the field. Even if the game isn’t that interesting, even if your team’s season has lost all meaning, the relief that football provides to the pressures and responsibilities of everyday life is intoxicating. The excitement is overwhelming. You call a few buddies, put some ‘cold ones’ on ice, and fire up the grill. Then something rather unexpected happens. You get a phone call that makes you wonder why you even got out of bed. Something so upsetting that you question everything and everyone in your life.
Three hours before kickoff you get a phone call from one of your “buddies” that was invited over to watch the game. He can’t make it. Something came up…a work issue, something with the kids or some sort of small emergency that just couldn’t wait. Fine, we’ve all been there; it happens. Sometimes things pop-up. The part that should never happen is what follows; when you ask your soon to be former friend what he plans on doing for the game since he can’t make it to your place, the answer he gives is so absurd that you question his manhood, and your own, for even associating with him. He tells you he is going to DVR the game and watch it later. At this point, the friendship is over and his social standing is on life-support.
I am only going to say this once, so pay careful attention: if you DVR a football game, you are an embarrassment to men everywhere. These games do not sneak up on you. The schedule is released months before the season starts. You have more than enough time to get your affairs in order and clear your schedule for the next 16 Sundays of the year. If you can’t block off a three hour window of time each week, I question everything about you. You clearly have no time management skills. Your ability to multitask is nonexistent, and your core beliefs are all out of whack. Basically, you’re a mess. There is no acceptable excuse to DVR a football game and “watch it later.” And I’ve heard them all.
My kid has a little league game. I had a wedding to go to. I had to work. If you consider these acceptable excuses or reasons to miss a game, then you’re weak. I understand little Johnny or Debbie might have a game but so do the Browns, Buckeyes, Bengals or whatever teams you cheer for. Missing little Johnny’s game will actually help build his character. You’re doing him a favor. Going to a wedding is the biggest bogus excuse of all. First, if it’s your own wedding and you planned it during football season, then that tells me all I need to know about the kind of relationship you have with the Mrs. My friendship with you was over the moment you decided to get married between September and February. If you’re invited to a wedding during football season, you simply do not go. You send the wife, a gift and enjoy the day…plain and simple.
It’s August. Take your kids back to school shopping, lay by the pool a little while longer, and if you haven’t done so already, memorize your team’s schedule. Practice your best calling in sick voice, buy the standard $50 gift off your former friend’s registry and tell Debbie and Johnny how proud you are and to have a good game. When they return, Daddy will be deep into his addiction. It would be best if they weren’t around to see it!