Michigan Men

by Bryan Z. on September 28, 2014

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Ann Harbor is a whore; she is also sad and alone with no end to her anguish in sight. The team she has loved for so many years has forsaken her. The once proud University that gave birth to her is a shell of its former self. Brady Hoke is making a mockery of one of the greatest college football programs of all time. She waits nervously for changes to come, and as she waits, the losses keep stacking up. When will her sinking vessel find a new captain; one worthy of wearing the maize and blue?

As a Buckeye, I am going against my better judgment. I am going to offer some helpful advice to the University and team that kicked me in the gut every chance they got during the “Cooper” years. I could just sit back and revel in Michigan’s misery, but I’ve decided to take the high road. There is a fine line between rooting against a rival, and then quickly realizing that someone needs to throw in the towel before the Russian takes the life of Apollo Creed. In this situation Apollo Creed is the perfect analogy for what Michigan football has been become; a once proud heavy weight with way too much ego for their own good.

Unlike the Italian Stallion, I will not stand by with the towel in my hand as the Russian lands hay-maker after hay-maker. I’ll be a friend to those that have not been one to me. I’ll offer brilliant, albeit unsolicited, advice to those that so badly need it.

The advice starts with this; fire Brady Hoke now. There is no benefit to waiting until the end of the season. If you fire this colossal waste of space now, perhaps the team will rally around the interim head coach and steal a few games they are sure to lose with Brady Joke clogging up the sidelines. I would hardly call that advice. Anyone with decent vision and basic understanding of football can see this team is going nowhere under its current leadership. The real advice follows: a quick rundown of who the next Michigan head coach should be.

First, drop the whole “Michigan Man”, criteria from the search. The fact that the person that takes the reigns as the next coach needs to have some connection to the University is just dumb.  The last time I checked Brady Hoke is a Michigan man, Rich Rodriguez wasn’t, and they both were equally terrible at Michigan. If that is going to be the case then drop that from the hiring process and focus on guys that are winning, and winning big, in college football right now. Besides, show me the Michigan coaching tree that the University has to choose from. Where is this line of great coaches that came through Michigan? Jim Tressel’s favorite car, Lloyd Carr, didn’t exactly litter the college football landscape with great assistant coaches that went onto coach at other places. No one is waiting for the phone to ring, so they can be the savior of the university they know and love. Those coaches aren’t out there. But here’s who is…

Kevin Sumlin – Michigan needs to pay this man $6 Million a year. If he refuses to listen and stays at A&M, Michigan is better off shedding its football program all together. Anyone they hire after this man is going to be their second, third or even fourth choice.

Kirby Smart – Mr. Smart is currently the defensive coordinator at Alabama, and he is my favorite football coach in the country. Pay this man double what he is getting at Bama and with the players Michigan currently has on their roster, they are 11-1 every year.

Pat Narduzzi – He actually should be their first choice. Hiring the current defensive coordinator at Michigan State would not only strengthen their own team, but it would simultaneously weaken your second biggest rival. This to me is a no brainier. Besides, the last time Michigan hired away one of its rival’s assistant coaches, it turned out pretty well…Bo Schembechler.

David Shaw – The Stanford head coach is one of the best in the business. Not only can he win, but he can win at a University that has a proven track record of tough academics. He’ll win and he’ll win the high academic standards at Michigan.

That’s it folks. That’s your top four and the only four that matter. Spare me the Jim Harbaugh and Les Miles talk. If you actually believe one of those two coaches will end up at Michigan, I just feel sorry for you. All four coaches I listed above are not only better fits, but they are actually getable. Miles and Harbaugh aren’t coming to Michigan. Not now, not ever. Michigan doesn’t need them but they do need a new head coach. There are only so many times you can watch someone make an ass of himself before it’s not funny anymore. It stopped being funny for Michigan about five years ago. Hopefully Michigan realizes people are laughing at them, not with them.

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