Hey ESPN, Nice Ass!

by Junior D on July 16, 2012 · 1 comment

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Tyson Chandler bares his ass

I often write about not liking ESPN. I know there are people who read this that completely disagree and love ESPN and all of its properties. I’m sorry but I am going to slam them again. Before I do, I’ll tell a little story.

I remember when I got my first subscription to Sports Illustrated when I was about 12 years old. I ordered it for all of the great sports coverage….oh, and the swimsuit issue. I knew when the swimsuit issue was coming out and kept a close eye on the mailbox. When it finally arrived I was so excited. Since pictures of naked women weren’t as easy to find as they are now, the swimsuit issue was IT for a pre-teen. I know I could have just looked at the Victoria’s Secret Catalog but the SI swimsuit issue was the pinnacle for all young men.

I tell you that story because I see that ESPN the Magazine has tried to recreate the same type of thing. I originally thought that it was a one time issue to push sales but ESPN the Body Issue has become a recurring theme. Obviously the first Body Issue did increase sales enough for them to continue doing it.

Gronk just looks happy to be naked

First of all, I hate ESPN the Magazine. It gives me a headache to even flip through any issue. Second, the writing is all over the place and seems to have no purpose. Third, the entire magazine has about three pages of true content and the rest of the magazine is filled with useless filler and advertising.

Even though back in the day I thought the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was “dirty,” it wasn’t at all. It was women in bikinis. I could see that at the beach, in advertising and at the local pool. The Body Issue is a gratuitous attempt to try to make money on nudity. I can hear the conversation in my head…”HEY! Why don’t we pay athletes to get naked, cover their giblets and we’ll take pictures and promote it as ‘the body issue’ because we are admiring the elite athletes ‘human form.’ We’ll even hire popular photographers so they make it look tasteful!”

My wife brings home ESPN the Magazine from work when they are done with it so I can flip through and make fun of it when I’m done. The other day she brings this thing home and throws it on my desk. Now I have Tyson Chandler’s ass in my face with his right leg and basketball placed so that I don’t see his garden hose. Thanks ESPN!

Abby Wambach (U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team)

I’m not going to just hate on the guys in these issues either. I don’t want to see any of this. I don’t want to see Anna Tunnicliffe (U.S. Sailing Team), Abby Wambach (U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team) or even Daniela Hantuchova (Tennis player).

The pictures, in case you haven’t seen, are naked athletes pictured playing their sport (typically). I really don’t need to see this at all. I don’t even know how these athletes are talked into posing. Lord knows that Rob Gronkowski is going to take a lot of shit in the locker room for his spread. I don’t know why he looks so damn happy and I am also calling into question the fact that he’s holding a football piñata with a broken piñata behind him…what’s that all about? Were they having a party when he decided to get naked? Was this after the Superbowl loss?

Mike Smith, jockey, showing everyone his awesomeness.

If you’re wondering why I am so against this, I’ll try to explain. First, I am not a prude. Anyone that knows me can attest to that. Second, if I want to see naked people I’ll go online. In the current market every product and service has become very specific. If I order a sports magazine I want to read about sports. If I order a cooking magazine I want to read about recipes. I don’t want to see chefs half-naked in the cooking magazine and I definitely don’t need to see Mike Smith, a 5’4″ jockey, holding his crank while a horse licks his head in my sports magazine…REALLY?

I don’t know…every issue of ESPN the Magazine, especially the Body Issue,  just seems very forced to me. Maybe it feels that way because it’s ESPN and I am not a huge fan. I am not homophobic by any stretch of the imagination but I just don’t want to see naked men in my face when I wanted to read sports stories.

I think that these pictures, in the proper context, are all fine. If ESPN wants to put out one of those huge coffee table picture books then I am cool with that because I know what’s inside when I open the book. I don’t want to read about bunkers on a golf course then see an advertisement for scotch, flip the page and then there’s a dong in my face.

I’m done with the article. I kept writing because I didn’t want “dong in my face” to be the last words.

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Howie July 17, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Dong in my face.

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