Diary of a Douchebag – Jose Canseco

by Junior D on June 5, 2012 · 0 comments

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Dear Diary,

Why don’t people like me? What did I ever do to them? Even though I uncovered the biggest story in Major League Baseball history no one will have anything to do with me? I think it’s because I’m so good-looking. I am truly a triple threat…I am funny, athletic, and good-looking. That has to be the reason. Everyone is just jealous.

You need to read my Twitter feed, Diary. It’s hilarious! I’ve attached some examples for you, diary. Please read these and hopefully you’ll follow me on Twitter too. It’s all great stuff.

I know I can’t spell but I am funny. I just wish people would realize how great that I am. So what if I am using my Twitter account to try to get people to vote me into the MLB All Star game. I’m just trying to get included in whatever I can. I’ve asked to be invited to the White House, I’ve pitched sitcom ideas, I’ve asked Lady GaGa out on a date and I’ve also offered a three-way between Lady GaGa, a fan and me…there’s nothing wrong or creepy about that, is there? Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I continuously accuse Eastbound & Down of basically stealing my life story and basing the whole show around my life. I have since pulled my best tweet where I discuss taking a crap, hugging it and then slapping it…I am considering putting that one back up. That was just funny…I can’t help it; I love hugging and slapping everything.

I know people don’t understand me but I wish they would. They only see me as a huge, good-looking, funny man but people know that I have feelings too. Underneath this awesome exterior I am just a teddy bear. LMAO…HAD YOU FOOLED DIARY! I AM AN AWESOME, HANDSOME BEAST OF A MAN! I just want to be loved.

I love you Diary!

Jose Canseco

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